Growing up, people often wonder, ‘am I ever going to meet the person of my dreams?’ And then, when you least expect it, your “bashert” shows up. Strangely, you seem to feel at home with this new person. I’ve written about this situation — I call it the recognition factor. When the right person comes along, you recognize them. It’s almost as though you were waiting for them and now this person, who fits you like a glove, has finally shown up, bringing joy and happiness with them.
After many years of marriage, things change. You built a life together but then, your partner is gone and you must face life alone. Couples who were friends seem to drift away and you find yourself searching for company, which in many instances turns out to be other lonely people. Some fortunate few meet new partners and go on to a happy fulfilling life, but many don’t. You were once a couple and now you’re single and older with time on your hands. Your children are grown up and, in many instances, they live far away and you only see them on holidays or rare occasions. So where does that leave you? Travelling may be something of the past, so you miss your family and most of all, you miss the partner you lost.
To combat loneliness, many may consider moving to an independent living facility, which offers new friends, dinner companions, and activities. I never considered it until I lost my husband. After he passed, the hours I spent alone seemed endless and I found myself feeling depressed.
So, despite looking negatively at the situation I found myself in, I went to look at a facility that offered a life I might fit in with and enjoy. I doubted I would like it but, much to my surprise, when I saw the classes with jewelry making, the art classes, the memoir writing group, and the people who seemed so engrossed and happy, I wanted to be part of it.
Still, the idea of moving, with all the packing and unpacking, made the situation seem daunting and beyond my capabilities. But, when I made up my mind that I would definitely make the move, I hired people to pack me, move me, and throw away the mountain of unneeded stuff that I had accumulated over the years, and then unpack me. I was surprised to find it wasn’t as difficult as I’d imagined and in short order, I got settled in.
Most people I met were welcoming and I was pleased to find commiserating friends who reached out to make me feel at home. I’ve since made many bracelets, painted many pictures and enjoyed the memoir class. I’ve been lazy about getting to the exercise classes, but sooner or later, I’ll push myself and get there.
Even if you still are fortunate enough to have a partner, it’s best to plan ahead. Coming in as a couple has many advantages. You can socialize with the other couples and if either of you need any care, it’s available by just pushing a button.
Like most people, I put off making the decision to move until I absolutely had to, my loneliness urging me on.
I often say, ‘choices are clear when options are few.’ So, what was my choice? Sitting alone and bemoaning yesterday and the loss of my mate, or refusing to look in the rearview mirror and moving forward. I chose moving forward and I’m glad I did. My days are filled with activities, my meals are shared with nice people and my family isn’t worried about me because they know I’m in good hands.
This choice has also given me a sense of independence. No one needs to concern themselves about my wellbeing — I’m having a good time. I’ve worked hard all my life and I deserve it. Don’t you deserve to spend your golden years being carefree and looking forward to sharing good times with nice people? I think you do.
When your children call and they can’t reach you because you’re off having a good time or joining an activity, don’t worry, your children aren’t upset, they love that you have a good life and don’t require their constant attention. All they want is for you to be happy. Plan ahead and you will be.
Judith Levy is the New York Times best-selling author of “Grandmother Remembers,” which has sold 4 million copies to date. Her newest illustrated book, “Great-Grandmother Remembers” is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
